


Had to be

by SunshineReiji



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Depression, Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 19:05:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18452741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineReiji/pseuds/SunshineReiji
Summary: The alarm clock cast haunting neon green numbers directly into Reiji’s retina, so that he saw them even when he blinked, when he closed his eyes in hope of finally falling asleep.





	Had to be

The alarm clock cast haunting neon green numbers directly into Reiji’s retina, so that he saw them even when he blinked, when he closed his eyes in hope of finally falling asleep.

03:00 a.m.

He was laying on his side, facing the dreading instrument that reminded him how hard it will be for him to act tomorrow, to rise up and put on his perfect mask that never failed, that never cracked, because it wasn’t allowed to.  
Reiji didn’t even have the strength to turn over, to face away this self-inflicted torture, because this was what he deserved, for being a horrible friend, a horrible person overall.  
He deserved loneliness, not friends.  
Pain, not comfort.  
Tears, not smiles.  
Torture, not soothing.

He cried so much lately, there were no tears left for et another sleepless night.

He cried a lot.  
Because he couldn’t keep it up, he couldn’t continue this ridiculous masquerade he himself had created, like a prison, a purgatory to cleanse his sins away.  
He didn’t have the strength to continue smiling, yet he couldn’t stop, because then all would become to real and he would’ve failed at the only mission he had left in this world.  
Be happy and smile.  
He felt sick, bile building up in his stomach and slowly making its way to his mouth, rising in his throat as he drowned under his thoughts, under the pressure, under the lies, under the helplessness.

He wanted to talk. There were so much nothings and everythings he wanted to let out. He thought loneliness would suit him better, but loneliness crushed him, it was too big a mantle for him.  
He needed others to live. He wanted to let them all in, to reveal his tiny world to them, made of darkness; yes, but also of so much more joyful things.  
He wanted to destroy his goofy mask, to be something else, moire meaningful.

But he couldn’t, because last time, he let too much of himself and not enough of others.

Clenching his fists, he let the passing minutes leave a imprint on his eyes, on his soul.  
There was still too much of him inside of him.  
Yet again, he found himself breathless and helpless. He wanted to scream, call for help because there was too much everything and too much nothing and all his thoughts crashed and killed themselves in his head and thoughts of murder consumed him, he wanted to murder his thoughts, his mind, his body, his soul, his entire being, his whole existence, the very idea of himself. 

He clung onto himself for dear life, but there was no life left, he was an empty shell laying there, letting time and space act on him somehow and the quicker the better because he couldn’t bear it anymore.

No tears came, not even the relief of letting it out through loud sobs and cries. There was nothing.

Perhaps he didn’t know how to cry anymore.

He couldn’t move, could barely breathe, until the sun rose and he was forced to go out and face the world when all he wanted to do was drop on the floor and never to rise again.

But he did so, even if the mere act of being alive made him feel excruciating pain.

He continued to live for others, until he’d become useless to the world.  
He had a plan for that moment.

But not yet.  
He could still be useful, that was the thought he lived by.  
The only thing keeping him alive.

And for now, it was enough.  
It had to be.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for that.  
> I've been feeling very down lately and I just... took it out through Reiji.  
> It's messy and shitty but I thought it would be a healthier way to deal with it for now.


End file.
